Saturday, May 10, 2014

So Politicians Want to Tell Women How to Treat Their Bodies?

These days, there are an awful lot of people, especially ones who hold some political position and use this role to boost their personal opinions to be something greater, who seem eager to tell women how they can/cannot treat their bodies. Birth control, abortions, medicine/surgery, how to respond to rape and/or physical abuse… the list goes on. Now, I’m all for having an opinion, but an opinion should only ever be that: an opinion. Believe me when I say I have a lot of opinions; many that others won’t agree with and, therefore, shouldn’t be forced upon the masses as laws or restrictions.

If politicians want to be allowed to voice their opinions on the choices and rights of women (or anybody for that matter), then their opinions should be shaped by a cohesive understanding of the lives their passing judgement on. And, in this regard, I think I have a solution:

Most female politicians tend to operate with an understanding of the needs of their gender, so, for the most part, there’s not many who come off quite as ignorant. However, for those who need a little motivation, we can simply cut their pay to minimum wage and place a few sick orphans under their care (a few weeks of trying to handle some shrieking children’s medical expenses with limited funds ought to open a few eyes).

But what of those pesky male politicians?

Well, obviously–for the sake of gender equality, of course–the aforementioned drop in pay and sick orphans treatment is a given. However, this doesn’t quite provide adequate perspective, does it? Well we’re in luck, ‘cuz The Literary Dark Emperor is a perfect balance of sadism and empathy!

So what I propose is this: any male politicians entering office will first have to make a choice (yes, choice; despite what our government preaches I still feel option should exist in peoples’ lives [but what do I know? I'm crazy]). The choice is (at least at first glance) simple: they choose to either keep their opinions to themselves, or they opt to have the right to voice those opinions as something POTENTIALLY worth motivating social and legal action within the nation. Those who choose the first option may skip off merrily and keep their fucking mouths shut…

For the others, the fun has only just begun.

Those opting for the second choice will have their roles in office temporarily held for five years. In that time, they will undergo a procedure in which, three-to-four times a week (often more, rarely less) they must allow a phallic syringe of at least five inches (often larger, rarely smaller) to be repeatedly plunged within their rectums for at least ten minutes (often longer, rarely shorter). Sixty percent of these syringes will contain a jelly-like placebo that will simply make the men feel accomplished, thirty-five percent will inject the same jelly-like substance along with a genetically modified intestinal parasite that latches onto the small intestine, and the other five percent will be an even combination of the previous two, but also contain any number of viruses and/or diseases. While a select few of these men will be randomly selected each month to be violently breached at a completely random moment, the others have the option to have a safety cap placed on their syringes to prevent the contents from entering them (at least most of the time). Those who take this option, however, must first sign an agreement to never speak against condom or birth control use once they’ve completed their “training” and enter office. Those who do not choose the safety cap must publicly acknowledge that they are choosing to accept the risks involved with what the contents of the syringes can do to their lives. Should they encounter the parasite, they will have the option of carrying it for a period of time I’m assuming everyone can guess, at which point they will be rewarded with a gnarly little critter who will both endear and infuriate them while requiring constant care and attention for no less than 18 years (rarely shorter, often longer). The process of carrying to term, however, will be crippling and often induce nausea. Once “born”, these critters will also require constant nourishment in the form of trace amounts of blood drawn from their scrotums, and, should the critter get hungry while in public, the man must face the embarrassment and heckling process while freeing their balls in plain sight to feed it. The caring and nurturing process must be done WITHOUT the benefit of their government pay, BUT they DO have the option of requesting that the government offer some aid (calling upon this aid, however, will require them to sign off any right to speak against public aid in office). Should the “threat” of such responsibility seem too much to handle once the parasite has latched on to the intestine (despite already claiming responsibility for NOT opting to use the syringe’s safety cap), the option to have it surgically removed exists. However, this procedure will leave a lifetime of chemically induced guilt and a team of actors will be hired to randomly heckle those who take this option for the rest of their lives (oh yea, and they have to sign another waver to never speak against abortion). Those who are assaulted with the syringes DO have the option to publicly speak against the attack, but most of the time they’ll be shunned for talking of such lewd acts, told that they either enjoyed it or asked for it, and still be expected to deal with whatever outcome the contents of the syringe have in store for them. The option to get instant results and satisfaction against their attackers will be available, but (*drum solo*) only if they first sign off that rape is ALWAYS a crime and that a victim can never be accused of deserving an attack.

Once the five year training period is up, these men will be sworn into office with both their renewed opinions and a decent stack of papers that state what they aren’t allowed to condemn on others (because they opted out of the same situations). They will be forced to adhere to these oaths or lose their job, be charged with falsifying government reports, and fined (but all funds are to be made to charitable organizations, schools, and rehabilitation centers; the government doesn’t get to feed itself on its own corruption, that’s not how punishment works).

So there you have it. Politicians CAN have the right to mouth off, they just gotta (*gasp*) earn that right first.

PS – they still gotta send money after the critter goes off to college.

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